love and marriage, love and marriage

Save the date. Planning is in full force. Addresses are needed. March 16th 2013

"How do I know what I think unless I write it?"

Unfortunately im not one one of those people who lays down and lets others walk all over me. one who holds all the pain and regret and anger inside.  there is a filter i sometimes lack.  i say what i mean and mean what i say. i write in blunt and sometimes unforgiving ways.  i can understand when i vent and later on have to apologize or erease my comments.  but when what i have written has given me peace inside, and helped me gain information about myself and led me to information to help me cope with a life altering issue i cant bring myself to apologize for it.  and sometimes the truth hurts. i had to become a martyer because no one else in my family had the resolve to stand up for themselvfes.  for this i am not sorry.  the pain that was inflicted on me was not my own doing.  the hurt that she is going through may not be her fault but if we allow her to continue without getting the help she very obviously needs then it is our fault she is in so much pain. to be so paranoid that you seperate yourself from every person that loves you and to truely and honestly believe that you are missingthings that are right in front of you is clearly not a safe way to be living.  she may never forgive me but i will take that because i cant sit by and watch her do this to herself. and you can be mad at me all you want but the truth is it is only i that has the gall and merit to stand up and do what i have done.  after the pleading of family not to be mad at her and not to bring them into the issue.  you tell me she is sick and i cant be mad at a sick person.  however you refuse to take the proper steps to help her get  better and get mad at me for asking her to look within herself and make a choice to get better because she vlashed out at everyone vfor it. But you are not the ones living with the fact that someone utterly hates you and believes you have wronged them when you have not. You are not the ones who cry over her and wish you could hold her and make it all better but can not because she refuses to even speak to you. And you are not the ones being isolated by someone you love and have an emesnce amount of gratitude and respect for. Though I do have to apologize at times I will not apologize for this I will not.

dream

according to my dream last night... in which i was in the middle of a zombie apocalypse leading my family (my man and children... aged about 6 years from now) to find a way to fix the world; i am going through a time where i feel vonurable and my world is changing and my self identity is changing from one thing to another and i find comfort and rely on my family. considering i am in the process of taking on an extremely different and challenging career path by becoming a correctional officer this is understandable. the emotions and battle i have had within myself to take on this role and whether it is best for me and my family or not has been on my mind since i first applied. the stress of not having any other options has apparently wieghed more on my mind than i had origionally thought, seeing as how im dreaming about the end of my world as iknow it. what scares me is even in my dream i dreamt i woke up but even in waking up my world was still the train wreck of the apocalypse. but through it all i had no fear. in fact in the dream i was quite calm and motivated on saving the world and amazingly had no fear of losing my family because they were all with me. it gives me a lot to think about while also telling me im making a big change but a good change. which i had already concluded, but i suppose my mind made it a little more concrete last night.