Actions speak louder than words

I hate this feeling. sitting up waiting looking out the door at each set of headlights hoping it is you... then realizing its not.  All these people who come home to their families at night... but none of them are you.  Hour after hour.  Waiting for a text or a phone call...  everytime the phone goes off I jump hoping its you... but it never is...  Farmville notifies me more than you and I talk...  Is this how it is supposed to be?  When does it get better?  I dont think it does. in my experience it only gets worse.  So why am I still here? because I made a choice to rely on someone for once.  And now I get to sit here and wish I never did.  I cant do it anymore.  I dont understand why people can't just be who they say they are.  I don't get why they claim to want a family and love you and want to be with you then go off and spend their nights drinking while the mother of their child sits at home being a family by herself.  Why would you ask if you have to be at your own daughters blessing?  How would that even cross your mind.  Where is it you would rather be?  Oh thats right, you say you want to be with me.  But you are not.  You are never here.  Weekends you are not home until after 4am.  Days off you chose to be with friends for 10 hours and not come home untill.. well Im not sure when sincce you are not home as I speak.  How about a text to let me know you are alive? nope, your phone died.  I suppose there are no other phones with all these other people you would rather be with than me and your family.  I am hurt because of you but I am furiated at myself.  I should have never let you in.  I should have listened to myself when those red lights went off in my head saying it was too big of a step to quit my job to be a stay at home mom.  I should have been that rational person I am instead of falling in love.  The worst part about it all is that this time I was really in love. that kind of in love where without the other person you cant sleep or eat or even think properly.  The kind of in love that you are willing to jump off a cliff for that other person.  that person who wont even come home for you.  because they need "friends".  ones that you cant have the phone number too.  ones you cant hang out with too.  but you want to be with me.  actions speak louder than words. you get mad when i say this like I am being irrational but really its the first rational thing I have come up with since being with you.  Because how could I have believed you actually loved me as much as I had fallen in love with you?  silly me.  Another lesson learned this time with heavier consiquences.  Actions speak louder than words.