love and marriage, love and marriage

Save the date. Planning is in full force. Addresses are needed. March 16th 2013

"How do I know what I think unless I write it?"

Unfortunately im not one one of those people who lays down and lets others walk all over me. one who holds all the pain and regret and anger inside.  there is a filter i sometimes lack.  i say what i mean and mean what i say. i write in blunt and sometimes unforgiving ways.  i can understand when i vent and later on have to apologize or erease my comments.  but when what i have written has given me peace inside, and helped me gain information about myself and led me to information to help me cope with a life altering issue i cant bring myself to apologize for it.  and sometimes the truth hurts. i had to become a martyer because no one else in my family had the resolve to stand up for themselvfes.  for this i am not sorry.  the pain that was inflicted on me was not my own doing.  the hurt that she is going through may not be her fault but if we allow her to continue without getting the help she very obviously needs then it is our fault she is in so much pain. to be so paranoid that you seperate yourself from every person that loves you and to truely and honestly believe that you are missingthings that are right in front of you is clearly not a safe way to be living.  she may never forgive me but i will take that because i cant sit by and watch her do this to herself. and you can be mad at me all you want but the truth is it is only i that has the gall and merit to stand up and do what i have done.  after the pleading of family not to be mad at her and not to bring them into the issue.  you tell me she is sick and i cant be mad at a sick person.  however you refuse to take the proper steps to help her get  better and get mad at me for asking her to look within herself and make a choice to get better because she vlashed out at everyone vfor it. But you are not the ones living with the fact that someone utterly hates you and believes you have wronged them when you have not. You are not the ones who cry over her and wish you could hold her and make it all better but can not because she refuses to even speak to you. And you are not the ones being isolated by someone you love and have an emesnce amount of gratitude and respect for. Though I do have to apologize at times I will not apologize for this I will not.

dream

according to my dream last night... in which i was in the middle of a zombie apocalypse leading my family (my man and children... aged about 6 years from now) to find a way to fix the world; i am going through a time where i feel vonurable and my world is changing and my self identity is changing from one thing to another and i find comfort and rely on my family. considering i am in the process of taking on an extremely different and challenging career path by becoming a correctional officer this is understandable. the emotions and battle i have had within myself to take on this role and whether it is best for me and my family or not has been on my mind since i first applied. the stress of not having any other options has apparently wieghed more on my mind than i had origionally thought, seeing as how im dreaming about the end of my world as iknow it. what scares me is even in my dream i dreamt i woke up but even in waking up my world was still the train wreck of the apocalypse. but through it all i had no fear. in fact in the dream i was quite calm and motivated on saving the world and amazingly had no fear of losing my family because they were all with me. it gives me a lot to think about while also telling me im making a big change but a good change. which i had already concluded, but i suppose my mind made it a little more concrete last night.

It is a whole other thing to lose a family member to mental illness

 

...

 

This one requires a little bit of backround.   My grandmother just lost her husband this october.  She has been in a wheelchair since she was 25 years old due to a car accident and he was not only her love, the father to her children, he was also her primary caregiver.  My father has tried to get her to move in with him so that he and my mother cantae care of her, but she has refused.  since then we have all een a change in her.  she is paranoid and has accused several family members of stealing things from her.  I moved to arizona this year to be closer to her and my grandfather before my grandfather passed away from cancer.  I did this because I was unable to be by my grandmothers side in 2009 whe she passed away of lou gerigs.  We recently had a house fire andwere homeles with our 4 children for 4 days.  My grandmother has 2 extra rooms that she opened up to us.   we brought 10 full bags of food that were donated to us by a church.  i left them seperate from her food and this is what we ate for the 3 days we stayed with her.  we also brought 3 gallons of milk, and chicken and things we saved from the fridge the night ofthe fire.  i cooked dinner for my grandmother out of our food while we were there and when we left I took only the food that was left ovwer from what we had brought, and a cotton candy ice cream pint grandma said she didt like and had sat in her freezer for a month.  She called up my father saying I stole all of the food out of her cupboards. shewas crying.  my father called my brother who was there with us through it all ( he has been living with us)  and asked him if there was any truth to my grandmothers claim.  he said no and i called my dad to talk to him about it.  he told me my grandmother is sick, and that she will only get worse and worse until they have to stake over custodyof her and force her to move in with him and my mother and to not hold a grudge or be sad because i am not the only one she is accusing of stealing.  I was invited to christmas at her house. we had decided not to go due to the situation at hand.  tonight i got a warning phone call from my father.  he had just gotten off of the phone with my grandmother and she planned to call me and confront me.. she still honeslty believes i stole from her.  I assure you i Did not.  i did not think i could handle a coversation over the phone like that where she could easily hang up on me and not listen to what i have to say, so i sent her a message on facebook.  while writing it she wrote back.  I am no longer going to be talking to her per her request.  i amTrying to stay strong. God help me. Its one thing to lose a family member to death... That has happened to me twice in the last couple of years. It is one thing to lose someone from betrayal, that too has happened in the last 2 years... It is a whole other thing to lose a family member to mental illness. To have them push you aside because they honestly believe in their mind that you have wronged them when you havent. I do believe this is the hardest one yet.

 

 

33 minutes ago
Tosha Marie Gravitt

 

My dearest Grandmother,

..

 

 

 

32 minutes ago
Tosha Marie Gravitt

 

MY Dearest Grandmother,I am going to start this off by telling you that I love you. I am sorry for all the things that have happened to you in the past few years and I wish I could have been closer through your hardest times and been a pillar for you to lean on. I have such a huge amount of respect

for you and all you have overcme in your life. that being said I want you to know that I have been told that you honestly believe that I have stolen food from you...

I understand the amount of stress you are under being on a fixed income. I understand the extreme hurt that you have gone through losing someone so closeto you who was your rock through so much. I know you still honestly believe I am just a manipulator and have done you a horrible wrong, but I HAVE NOT.

I have not confronted you about this out of my respect for you. I was hoping that you would realize what you are doing and maybe things could go back to normal without having to do this.

It is through prayer and much pain that I have realized that it will not...

These things you have been accusing me of... stealing towels which you have found in your dryer/washer later the same day... Stealing a cutting board that joshua had in fact washed for you and it was sitting right in your dishwasher clean which you also found... A Blanket you and grandpa had given to us and then told my dad I had borrowed it and just not given it back... so i brought it back even though you had said we could have it, just so that there wouldnt be any problems, because even though we needed it I love you enough to go without to make you happy and more comfortable

It hurts me to see you huring

I cry for you often. I pray that god will comfort you and that you will not have to be alone for the holidays. that you will not push everyone away from you..

I am emensely hurt that this would even cross your mind. and even more hurt that you honestly and truely believe that I would ever want to hurt you. You did so much for us. Will and I discussed not taking the chair because of the way things happened with the blanket, and the towels, and the cutting board. we didnt want to have any problems, didnt want you to not remember giving it to us.

after tears and deliberation i accepted it. Because I had nothing from my grandfather. And I had several people there when I took it and you told us we could have it...

 

 

 

14 minutes ago
Linda Gravitt

 

OH PLEASE ~ You know that I know, that you know what you have done. Give it a rest! Theives are not welcome in my home

..

 

 

 

13 minutes ago
Tosha Marie Gravitt

 

I love you. I dont want to see you living like this. pushing everyone away. thinking everyone is out to get you, to steal from you. Please pray. I am praying for you

I will not be coming over for christmas not because i am a thief, because i love you and I cant watch you do this to yourself you are hurting me and others around you..

 

 

 

10 minutes ago
Linda Gravitt

 

Nobody is being pushed a way but you and that is for good cause!
 How you like to twist the story by say others have stolen from me On You granddaughter! Good Byel

..

 

 

 

10 minutes ago
Tosha Marie Gravitt

 

please please just pary

pray

does god lie?

ask him for the answer

the answer is not to lash out at me for something I have never done to you and never would do to you

and if you cant ask god for the answer then that is your answer.

I love you. and if you wish me not to be around I will not be around. but know that i moved here for you and grandpa.

i never said they stole from you read it again. you accused them of it. I know about you accusing rick and jamie of stealing. rick a modem.

but if its a good bye you want. know that I love you and am prying for you

And that you cant keep doin this. you will need to get help. God can help you make the desicion. but what is happening now and the thigs you are calling me and saying to me are not that grandmother that I now. Please pray thats all i can ask.

 

intruder

person in my storage shed i have a 45calibur handgun pointed at the door.  i have called the police. thier responce  time in this area is approximately 5minutes.  if you choose to open the door and leave i will let you, however if you come towards me or have anything in your hands i will shoot you.  it takes about 3minutes to bleed out based on where i plan to shoot. it does  not matter what drug you may be on , where i shoot you you will drop and you will die.  you now have 3minutes to either run or wait for the police to get you out.  you are trespassing and i will not hesitate.  please let me know what you plan to do so that i do not shoot you out of reflex.

The Power of Prayer

The only person I truely fell in love with was now slowly breaking my heart.  Time and time again I watched as he made conscience choices to push me and is family aside.  Then came the huge eye opener.  He had fallen.  This strong man in whom I had invested so much.  This one who had held us together, had fallen.  I had taken up a new habit.  Really an old habit that I regained.  It wasnt about what dad wanted, or who knew.  I curled up in a bll on my bed and asked why.  But it wasnt like the meaningless spiteful and angerfilled openended question.  I wanted no I needed an answer.  I needed to know!  How was I supposed to proceed.  Was I supposed to continue fighting even though I have been fighing my entire life? Was I really supposed to completely throw myself into this man even though he was clearly not going to fight for me?  Why would I even do that?  I needed answers.  Had I chosen wrong... AGAIN!  Had I really gone through another year of life in a huge mistake?  It hurt so much I just wanted it to stop.  If I had to put myself through more pain to bring it al to a close I was willing to do so, even though my love for this person was greater than my love for myself.  I went over the pros and cons and spelled them all out in my head.  Obviously I didnt need to go over all of this for his sake, but it helped and I asked for some sort of sign.  I felt stupid doing so but I knew myself, and I knew without a reason good enough I would not be able to take that step.  I sat asking what I was supposed to do to make things how they are supposed to be, whether it was with the love of my life or if I would need to start over again.  I was drawn to my daughter, only about a week old.  The love I had for her beyond any other, as any mother knows.  Then a realization.  He loves his daughter just as much as I.  That was my answer.  I was reminded by my boys every dinner to pray.  They would be saying their blessing on the food as I silently prayed for him to come home safely and make good choices wherever he may be.  So far it has been a week that I have not had to sit up until 4am waiting for those headlighs to hit the window.  Not one night of crying feeling lost not knowing what to do.  In that empty black hole of emotion and fear I have been filled with answers and inspiration.  And yes, it is I who has to fight, because it is only I who has the strength, and now has god holding my hand through the hard parts.  And what better thing to fight for? Nothing.  If I am going to fight there is no better cause than love and family. 

Actions speak louder than words

I hate this feeling. sitting up waiting looking out the door at each set of headlights hoping it is you... then realizing its not.  All these people who come home to their families at night... but none of them are you.  Hour after hour.  Waiting for a text or a phone call...  everytime the phone goes off I jump hoping its you... but it never is...  Farmville notifies me more than you and I talk...  Is this how it is supposed to be?  When does it get better?  I dont think it does. in my experience it only gets worse.  So why am I still here? because I made a choice to rely on someone for once.  And now I get to sit here and wish I never did.  I cant do it anymore.  I dont understand why people can't just be who they say they are.  I don't get why they claim to want a family and love you and want to be with you then go off and spend their nights drinking while the mother of their child sits at home being a family by herself.  Why would you ask if you have to be at your own daughters blessing?  How would that even cross your mind.  Where is it you would rather be?  Oh thats right, you say you want to be with me.  But you are not.  You are never here.  Weekends you are not home until after 4am.  Days off you chose to be with friends for 10 hours and not come home untill.. well Im not sure when sincce you are not home as I speak.  How about a text to let me know you are alive? nope, your phone died.  I suppose there are no other phones with all these other people you would rather be with than me and your family.  I am hurt because of you but I am furiated at myself.  I should have never let you in.  I should have listened to myself when those red lights went off in my head saying it was too big of a step to quit my job to be a stay at home mom.  I should have been that rational person I am instead of falling in love.  The worst part about it all is that this time I was really in love. that kind of in love where without the other person you cant sleep or eat or even think properly.  The kind of in love that you are willing to jump off a cliff for that other person.  that person who wont even come home for you.  because they need "friends".  ones that you cant have the phone number too.  ones you cant hang out with too.  but you want to be with me.  actions speak louder than words. you get mad when i say this like I am being irrational but really its the first rational thing I have come up with since being with you.  Because how could I have believed you actually loved me as much as I had fallen in love with you?  silly me.  Another lesson learned this time with heavier consiquences.  Actions speak louder than words.